Last Summer, I had a post about government red tape in regards to obtaining Nelson's late dad's military records, replacement medals, etc. I never did receive anything I was asking for. I figured that I'd waited long enough, and set about trying to get help.
I asked my cousin, at Christmas dinner, who she recommended on the local level for assistance (she once worked at the state house for a local senator). She said no one, and suggested I go national. Fine idea, but I'm lukewarm on our Representitives and Senators. The ones I liked got voted out in the last election. There was one that I had met, I liked him, and I knew his office would have helped. Instead, I was left with the person who replaced him. I groaned as I went to his website. He really pushed the veteran assistance aspect on his site, so I figured I'd give it a go.
I was surprised to have a courteous reply quickly, and found his staff professional. They gave me instructions to fill the paperwork out differently this time, and they couriered it out for me. I received a nice letter from the Congressman (well, his staff, but still), and a copy of the letter taht was sent to the head of the department that stores the records we need.
Today, there was a message on the answering machine from his office, informing me that they have items for us, and asking us to come and get them.
So this is exciting! I'm hoping we got the replacement medals, the Cold War Recognition (seeing as his late dad served in Cuba during the missle crisis), and the records which show the necessary information to obtain a boot camp photo.
We're planning on going down to retrieve what we got on Thursday. So a big kudo to our Congressman. I'm not above giving credit where it is due - especially when I had little faith going in.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
The Final Report Is In
and it's as I feared.
The coroner announced today that Christopher Bowman had alcohol, prescription drugs, and a few illegal drugs in his system when he died. Of course, they're also blaming his weight on it, but I'm not so sure. He'd actually lost some weight in the last few years, and while he was nowhere near his top physical condtion, he wasn't 400 pounds either.
And of course, the yutz's who feel the need to make rude commentary on the articles are out in full force: "One less drug addict to worry about. Who's next?". Truly sad commentary on the current state of affairs.
It's a shame that Chris was such a tortured individual, and it's more of a shame that he'll be remembered more for this than his wide array of accomplishments and contributions to the world of Men's Competitive Figure Skating.
So in my small way, I'd like to try and keep his positive accomplishments alive. If you're a fan, you'll recognize both of these programs as some of his finest. If not, take a second to watch, and honor the memory of someone who left us way too soon.
As I scoured for this clip, someone left a comment - a stretch of lyrics from an old favorite song that I'm going to post here because I can't say it any better myself:
"You were there in the turnstiles with the wind at your heels
You stretched for the stars, and you know how it feels
To reach too high, too far, too soon...I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon."
-The Waterboys, "The Whole of the Moon"
Rest in peace, Christopher. I truly hope you've found what you were looking for.
The coroner announced today that Christopher Bowman had alcohol, prescription drugs, and a few illegal drugs in his system when he died. Of course, they're also blaming his weight on it, but I'm not so sure. He'd actually lost some weight in the last few years, and while he was nowhere near his top physical condtion, he wasn't 400 pounds either.
And of course, the yutz's who feel the need to make rude commentary on the articles are out in full force: "One less drug addict to worry about. Who's next?". Truly sad commentary on the current state of affairs.
It's a shame that Chris was such a tortured individual, and it's more of a shame that he'll be remembered more for this than his wide array of accomplishments and contributions to the world of Men's Competitive Figure Skating.
So in my small way, I'd like to try and keep his positive accomplishments alive. If you're a fan, you'll recognize both of these programs as some of his finest. If not, take a second to watch, and honor the memory of someone who left us way too soon.
As I scoured for this clip, someone left a comment - a stretch of lyrics from an old favorite song that I'm going to post here because I can't say it any better myself:
"You were there in the turnstiles with the wind at your heels
You stretched for the stars, and you know how it feels
To reach too high, too far, too soon...I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon."
-The Waterboys, "The Whole of the Moon"
Rest in peace, Christopher. I truly hope you've found what you were looking for.
Monday, February 4, 2008
What Else Should I Be?
Once again, the subject of a few previous "Deep Thoughts-esque" posts has managed to work their way back in my life. Why do I allow this person to torment me, months after I uttered my last words to them via e-mail (goodbye)? Darned if I know. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.
Or maybe someone is trying to tell me something.
Forgiveness has always been a toughie for me in certain situations. While I can generally shrug off many situations - especially ones that are out of someone else's control - there are other times where I just can't say "meh - it's ok", no matter how much I'd like to (and yes, I'd like to be able to do that now).
It's something that we've been trying to work on in counseling. I don't just have the aforementioned person to try and move out of my plane of annoyance, but several others as well. I'm moving ever so slowly there for some of the people, but not all (aforementioned person included).
Let me backpedal a tad: Before Nelson had his current job, he was trapped in a horrifyng job. No benefits, low pay, and a lot of unfulfilled promises. He muddled through for 3 years, and then left, only to be laid off and have to go back to work for them again (the job market here isn't great). Another 3 years, and he was fried. I don't know how he lasted as long as he did - I'd have gone to the booby hatch long before. The inevitable happened, and it all came to a head one day. He said something that was taken the wrong way by his ultra-wannabe Christian bosses, and it went downhill from there. There were witnesses - the situation got blown way out of proportion, because believe me - I don't dig him out of messes. If he screws up, he needs to accept responsibility and fix it, but there were major extenuating circumstances in this case that it would take me way too long to get in to here.
These are the same ultra-wannabe Christian people who shunned medical science and said that my husband would be better if he just gave himself to Jesus. Don't get me started....... Well, we asked our minister to accompany Nelson down there to try and appeal to her good Christian side. She said it would be ok. We decided he should return while he looked for another job, and then take his leave (but we didn't tell her this). One week later, she claimed she never said that, and that she had terminated him. When I questioned our minister (because I wasn't there), he said that she was out and out lying, and that God knew the truth, and she'd answer in the end.
It all worked out. He was working again within two weeks, at a much better job where he is treated better, and receives good pay and benefits. After he left, she terminated another person with a medical problem, and he decided to sue - and won. So she got hers. But I continued to just loathe her. I can't stand a liar. I can't stand wanna-be Christians. I can't stand people who promise the moon but deliver squat. I refused to speak to her if I saw her, and made my share of unfriendly comments.
Anywho, we went out to eat tonight at a local steakhouse, and guess who waddled in the door? I couldn't believe it. We both groaned. She saw me, because we made eye contact, and she looked away. After awhile, Nelson said "Are they at the salad bar?". I said they weren't, and he could make a break for it. He said "No, I want to know where they are", and he walked off. He came back with a big grin on his face.
He said "I decided that I can be the bigger person and show them some of that forgiveness that Pastor Jim is always talking about". He's much better off now. He should actually be thanking them. The mood lifted a bit, and he was in better spirits.
So I'm back to the person at the top of the post. I'd love to be able to just say "Thanks to you, I've made some good friends, even if everything else sucked." But I can't. I just can't. I don't want someone to come crawling to me and say "I'm SO SORRY for every wrong I committed against you, and I beg your ultimate forgiveness!". Nelson wouldn't have gotten that from his bosses even if he would have wanted it.
A few weeks back, the aforementioned person contacted one of us that he "wronged", and said he was sorry. That person, in return, forgave him, but did vent about a few things that he felt the offender needed to work on, including apologizing to me and another person. The other person got an apology - I did not. I relayed this information, and was told that no one was surprised. Then, to top it off, the other person involved (who did get an apology) posted some current pictures for people to see, and one included the offending person. As stupid as it may sound, I was not prepared to "see" them, and in combination with some other things going on, I spent an hour in a weird emotional limbo bouncing between anger and sadness. A big thank-you to a friend who allowed me to vent, and put it somewhat to rest.
I just couldn't understand how that person could go and spend free time hanging out with someone who treated us so badly. Who stomped on us and ignored our queries as to what was going on. Who denied any involvement in the stuff that was going on. I guess the answer is that in some respects, they are better than I am. I'm too analytical. All I can "see" is that things would be ok for a time, then they'd go right back to where they were, and we'd all be in the same boat - well, I wouldn't because apparently I'm not worthy of any attempt to rectify the situation. I will run the possible scenarios over again and again in a zillion different configurations in my head, and none turn out well. I want to scream "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS?!?!" or "HOW QUICKLY YOU FORGET! JUST 6 MONTHS AGO THIS PERSON WAS STOMPING ALL OVER YOU!", but I don't. Just because I can't be the bigger person and get over it doesn't mean that others need to join my occasional self-imposed doldrums. The fact that I can't truly get over it is my problem, and mine alone.
So on the way home, with my husband in a good mood in the passenger seat because he managed to find that place where he can say "screw it", this came on the radio, and while I really never cared for this group, it was appropriate, and grabbed me:
What else should I be?
All apologies.
What else could I say?
......(verse deleted)
What else could I write?
I don't have the right.
What else should I be?
All apologies.
I wish I was like you;
Easily amused.
Find my nest of salt;
Everything is my fault.
I'll take all the blame.
All in all is all we are.
Again, maybe somebody is trying to tell me something. Would an apology really make any difference? Probably not. Do I truly need to hear it to put this one to bed? Probably not. Am I over it? Probably not. Am I getting there? Probably.
All in all is all we are, indeed.
Or maybe someone is trying to tell me something.
Forgiveness has always been a toughie for me in certain situations. While I can generally shrug off many situations - especially ones that are out of someone else's control - there are other times where I just can't say "meh - it's ok", no matter how much I'd like to (and yes, I'd like to be able to do that now).
It's something that we've been trying to work on in counseling. I don't just have the aforementioned person to try and move out of my plane of annoyance, but several others as well. I'm moving ever so slowly there for some of the people, but not all (aforementioned person included).
Let me backpedal a tad: Before Nelson had his current job, he was trapped in a horrifyng job. No benefits, low pay, and a lot of unfulfilled promises. He muddled through for 3 years, and then left, only to be laid off and have to go back to work for them again (the job market here isn't great). Another 3 years, and he was fried. I don't know how he lasted as long as he did - I'd have gone to the booby hatch long before. The inevitable happened, and it all came to a head one day. He said something that was taken the wrong way by his ultra-wannabe Christian bosses, and it went downhill from there. There were witnesses - the situation got blown way out of proportion, because believe me - I don't dig him out of messes. If he screws up, he needs to accept responsibility and fix it, but there were major extenuating circumstances in this case that it would take me way too long to get in to here.
These are the same ultra-wannabe Christian people who shunned medical science and said that my husband would be better if he just gave himself to Jesus. Don't get me started....... Well, we asked our minister to accompany Nelson down there to try and appeal to her good Christian side. She said it would be ok. We decided he should return while he looked for another job, and then take his leave (but we didn't tell her this). One week later, she claimed she never said that, and that she had terminated him. When I questioned our minister (because I wasn't there), he said that she was out and out lying, and that God knew the truth, and she'd answer in the end.
It all worked out. He was working again within two weeks, at a much better job where he is treated better, and receives good pay and benefits. After he left, she terminated another person with a medical problem, and he decided to sue - and won. So she got hers. But I continued to just loathe her. I can't stand a liar. I can't stand wanna-be Christians. I can't stand people who promise the moon but deliver squat. I refused to speak to her if I saw her, and made my share of unfriendly comments.
Anywho, we went out to eat tonight at a local steakhouse, and guess who waddled in the door? I couldn't believe it. We both groaned. She saw me, because we made eye contact, and she looked away. After awhile, Nelson said "Are they at the salad bar?". I said they weren't, and he could make a break for it. He said "No, I want to know where they are", and he walked off. He came back with a big grin on his face.
He said "I decided that I can be the bigger person and show them some of that forgiveness that Pastor Jim is always talking about". He's much better off now. He should actually be thanking them. The mood lifted a bit, and he was in better spirits.
So I'm back to the person at the top of the post. I'd love to be able to just say "Thanks to you, I've made some good friends, even if everything else sucked." But I can't. I just can't. I don't want someone to come crawling to me and say "I'm SO SORRY for every wrong I committed against you, and I beg your ultimate forgiveness!". Nelson wouldn't have gotten that from his bosses even if he would have wanted it.
A few weeks back, the aforementioned person contacted one of us that he "wronged", and said he was sorry. That person, in return, forgave him, but did vent about a few things that he felt the offender needed to work on, including apologizing to me and another person. The other person got an apology - I did not. I relayed this information, and was told that no one was surprised. Then, to top it off, the other person involved (who did get an apology) posted some current pictures for people to see, and one included the offending person. As stupid as it may sound, I was not prepared to "see" them, and in combination with some other things going on, I spent an hour in a weird emotional limbo bouncing between anger and sadness. A big thank-you to a friend who allowed me to vent, and put it somewhat to rest.
I just couldn't understand how that person could go and spend free time hanging out with someone who treated us so badly. Who stomped on us and ignored our queries as to what was going on. Who denied any involvement in the stuff that was going on. I guess the answer is that in some respects, they are better than I am. I'm too analytical. All I can "see" is that things would be ok for a time, then they'd go right back to where they were, and we'd all be in the same boat - well, I wouldn't because apparently I'm not worthy of any attempt to rectify the situation. I will run the possible scenarios over again and again in a zillion different configurations in my head, and none turn out well. I want to scream "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS?!?!" or "HOW QUICKLY YOU FORGET! JUST 6 MONTHS AGO THIS PERSON WAS STOMPING ALL OVER YOU!", but I don't. Just because I can't be the bigger person and get over it doesn't mean that others need to join my occasional self-imposed doldrums. The fact that I can't truly get over it is my problem, and mine alone.
So on the way home, with my husband in a good mood in the passenger seat because he managed to find that place where he can say "screw it", this came on the radio, and while I really never cared for this group, it was appropriate, and grabbed me:
What else should I be?
All apologies.
What else could I say?
......(verse deleted)
What else could I write?
I don't have the right.
What else should I be?
All apologies.
I wish I was like you;
Easily amused.
Find my nest of salt;
Everything is my fault.
I'll take all the blame.
All in all is all we are.
Again, maybe somebody is trying to tell me something. Would an apology really make any difference? Probably not. Do I truly need to hear it to put this one to bed? Probably not. Am I over it? Probably not. Am I getting there? Probably.
All in all is all we are, indeed.
Life Happens
Yes indeedy do.
I had some stuff, but it seems to have worked itself out, so I really need to put some effort in to this blog again. I miss writing here, but it's been hard to concentrate with a zillion things that needed attention.
That, and I don't like to put forth massive negativity. I killed a blog that I had before this one by constantly venting about things. I may open it back up as my vent blog, where I can rant away, but for now, I'm trying to keep that to a minimum.
That being said, I thought about which topic I wanted to tackle first, and I sort of had my mind made up for me, and while not necessarily a rant or vent, it's just something I feel the need to get out. On the plus side, that fact that I had to think about what to discuss first is a plus. Perhaps I'll have enough material to keep me going for a little while.
Stay tuned.
I had some stuff, but it seems to have worked itself out, so I really need to put some effort in to this blog again. I miss writing here, but it's been hard to concentrate with a zillion things that needed attention.
That, and I don't like to put forth massive negativity. I killed a blog that I had before this one by constantly venting about things. I may open it back up as my vent blog, where I can rant away, but for now, I'm trying to keep that to a minimum.
That being said, I thought about which topic I wanted to tackle first, and I sort of had my mind made up for me, and while not necessarily a rant or vent, it's just something I feel the need to get out. On the plus side, that fact that I had to think about what to discuss first is a plus. Perhaps I'll have enough material to keep me going for a little while.
Stay tuned.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I'm Really Beginning To Hate The Internet
I saw a blip on MSN this morning that grabbed my attention.
One of my favorites from back in the days that I was HEAVILY in to figure skating has passed on.
Christopher Bowman (affectionately called "Bowman The Showman" by his fans and colleagues) was an immensely talented person, but he lead a troubled existence, and was destined to crash. Figure Skating is a tough life to be in and retain your sanity. Many skaters end up involved in drugs or worse, and a number have taken their own lives. It's akin to being a child star (as Christoper was when he was small) - the constant strive for approval, and then when you reach a certain age, the public has moved on to the next big thing.
I found the article fairly well written. I wish they would have left off the "suspected overdose" parts and the dredging up of all his past misdeeds until they know for sure what happened, but that's the way it goes in these types of things.
What sickened me, however, is the commentary left by people below the article. It runs the gamut for predictable - "Who cares about figure skating?" "As much fun as watching paint dry.", to the disgusting - commentary about his sexual orientation in the comment that they were shocked he had a daughter (because all male skaters are ****), to the outlandish - people using this as a platform to pull the race card and other inappropriate stuff.
Like skating or not, Christopher Bowman was a real person. He had family - his mother was a fixture on TV when he was skating. He was married at one time, and does have a daughter. He was a coach, and has students. He had friends. Imagine being close to someone, and finding out they died by seeing a blip on the Internet. Then imagine scrolling to the bottom of the article and seeing the disgusting commentary down there.
No one thinks before they post anymore, and the anonymity of the Internet lets the true sickos display their anger and hatred for all the world to see. While I'm grateful for the Internet for making my life easier, and allowing me to make friends I would have never been able to make otherwise, I hate it for what it has become - a sounding board for the idiots of the world. Almost makes me wish for the days when I would have heard about this on the news, and would have been able to say a prayer for Christopher, and then move on. Now, I'll forever hear those hateful comments in my head when I think of him.
Sad indeed.
One of my favorites from back in the days that I was HEAVILY in to figure skating has passed on.
Christopher Bowman (affectionately called "Bowman The Showman" by his fans and colleagues) was an immensely talented person, but he lead a troubled existence, and was destined to crash. Figure Skating is a tough life to be in and retain your sanity. Many skaters end up involved in drugs or worse, and a number have taken their own lives. It's akin to being a child star (as Christoper was when he was small) - the constant strive for approval, and then when you reach a certain age, the public has moved on to the next big thing.
I found the article fairly well written. I wish they would have left off the "suspected overdose" parts and the dredging up of all his past misdeeds until they know for sure what happened, but that's the way it goes in these types of things.
What sickened me, however, is the commentary left by people below the article. It runs the gamut for predictable - "Who cares about figure skating?" "As much fun as watching paint dry.", to the disgusting - commentary about his sexual orientation in the comment that they were shocked he had a daughter (because all male skaters are ****), to the outlandish - people using this as a platform to pull the race card and other inappropriate stuff.
Like skating or not, Christopher Bowman was a real person. He had family - his mother was a fixture on TV when he was skating. He was married at one time, and does have a daughter. He was a coach, and has students. He had friends. Imagine being close to someone, and finding out they died by seeing a blip on the Internet. Then imagine scrolling to the bottom of the article and seeing the disgusting commentary down there.
No one thinks before they post anymore, and the anonymity of the Internet lets the true sickos display their anger and hatred for all the world to see. While I'm grateful for the Internet for making my life easier, and allowing me to make friends I would have never been able to make otherwise, I hate it for what it has become - a sounding board for the idiots of the world. Almost makes me wish for the days when I would have heard about this on the news, and would have been able to say a prayer for Christopher, and then move on. Now, I'll forever hear those hateful comments in my head when I think of him.
Sad indeed.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Yikes! I've been away for a while!
I knew it had been a while, but not two months! I have many excuses - feel free to pick one:
In my defense, it has been a bit busy. We got a late surge at work for one department, and that kept me busy through early November, when it eased off.
We went to Virginia to visit a friend in early November. We had a good time. We got to see a mall with fantastic 80's architecture and design elements. We stopped at a fantastic candy store (I'm such a little kid in a place like that - plus, they had jumbo Gummi Coke Bottles!) run by an older gentleman who was super-friendly. We had dinner at Don Shula's to celebrate our 13th Anniversary, where I put down the most money I ever have on a meal (don't ask). Nelson finished the "Shula Cut", and he got his name on their website, on a plaque in the lobby, a real autographed picture of Don Shula, and a few weeks later, a letter from Dave Shula. Makes up for it a bit. The steak I had was the best steak I've ever eaten in my life. I also got to go to Tyson's 1, which made me very very happy.
We got the pendulum for the clock, and quickly found out that the clock did not work. We dropped it off with a repairman. It cost $135, but it's hanging on the wall, ticking away (and keeping me awake at night). Plus, the original pendulum turned up, which was a good thing.
With Hanukkah being early this year, our holiday sale kicked in gear earlier than usual this fall. We have had a good season, so far. With next year being an Olympic year, I have a feeling we'll be very busy next fall. We were the last Olympic year. Insanely busy. Nelson came in to help work, and we'd work until Midnight some nights. Exhausting, but it made for a nice paycheck.
Thanksgiving was nice. When we got out of the car at my Aunt's house, the girls were in the picture window, waving at us (they're so darn cute!). We had a nice dinner, and fun with the girls (who again got goodies from us). Then over the weekend, we had to send the laptop back (it died - which has contributed to my absence - I can't get motivated to work in the spare room anymore - I'm spoiled), and then we accompanied a friend on a double/blind date. It was a nephew of my mom's friend. They were convinced they'd get along famously. They were wrong. He was a nice guy, but the two couldn't have been farther apart in terms of interests. It's a shame, because he was smitten with her, but when there's no connection, there's not much point. Plus, then I feel bad because I nudged for this (I hadn't met the guy previously).
We've returned to church, which is a good thing. I missed going. It gives me the ability to try and let go of the junk that happens during the week. Pastor Jim is a fantastic speaker, and has a knack to reach you when you least expect it.
We had lunch with Grammy at the "facility" (they don't like the term "nursing home"). It was less than what we'd pay in a restaurant, the meal was good, and it made me happy to see that she gets fed well. She was good that day. She repeated herself a lot, but she was in good spirits.
I've been putting in 11 hour days most days recently, and half days on Saturday. Today was the lone exception, and I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I did absolutely nothing. In my "spare" time, we've been getting our Christmas shopping done. We're not doing much for Christmas this year. We've decided to pool our money and purchase an extended warranty for the Kia. I did my homework when we bought it, but I didn't realize how much electronic stuff was in there, which gets costly. It will extend my warranty until after my loan is paid, which is what I want.
I set foot in Grammy's house for what will most likely be the last time. It's been sold. They got a nice amount for it, and her care will be covered for a long time. It seemed so strange. The house was empty. The furniture all gone. The only thing left in the kitchen was the stove and the cabinets. I've never ever seen it empty. Nothing on the walls. The heat was off and it was cold. There were a few things left for a charity store to pick-up, and a box of things for my uncle that we'll have to store until he can return from Oklahoma to retrieve them. Yet Grammy thinks she'll still be going home soon. No, we're not going to tell her........
But the laptop is back now, and hopefully so will I.
In my defense, it has been a bit busy. We got a late surge at work for one department, and that kept me busy through early November, when it eased off.
We went to Virginia to visit a friend in early November. We had a good time. We got to see a mall with fantastic 80's architecture and design elements. We stopped at a fantastic candy store (I'm such a little kid in a place like that - plus, they had jumbo Gummi Coke Bottles!) run by an older gentleman who was super-friendly. We had dinner at Don Shula's to celebrate our 13th Anniversary, where I put down the most money I ever have on a meal (don't ask). Nelson finished the "Shula Cut", and he got his name on their website, on a plaque in the lobby, a real autographed picture of Don Shula, and a few weeks later, a letter from Dave Shula. Makes up for it a bit. The steak I had was the best steak I've ever eaten in my life. I also got to go to Tyson's 1, which made me very very happy.
We got the pendulum for the clock, and quickly found out that the clock did not work. We dropped it off with a repairman. It cost $135, but it's hanging on the wall, ticking away (and keeping me awake at night). Plus, the original pendulum turned up, which was a good thing.
With Hanukkah being early this year, our holiday sale kicked in gear earlier than usual this fall. We have had a good season, so far. With next year being an Olympic year, I have a feeling we'll be very busy next fall. We were the last Olympic year. Insanely busy. Nelson came in to help work, and we'd work until Midnight some nights. Exhausting, but it made for a nice paycheck.
Thanksgiving was nice. When we got out of the car at my Aunt's house, the girls were in the picture window, waving at us (they're so darn cute!). We had a nice dinner, and fun with the girls (who again got goodies from us). Then over the weekend, we had to send the laptop back (it died - which has contributed to my absence - I can't get motivated to work in the spare room anymore - I'm spoiled), and then we accompanied a friend on a double/blind date. It was a nephew of my mom's friend. They were convinced they'd get along famously. They were wrong. He was a nice guy, but the two couldn't have been farther apart in terms of interests. It's a shame, because he was smitten with her, but when there's no connection, there's not much point. Plus, then I feel bad because I nudged for this (I hadn't met the guy previously).
We've returned to church, which is a good thing. I missed going. It gives me the ability to try and let go of the junk that happens during the week. Pastor Jim is a fantastic speaker, and has a knack to reach you when you least expect it.
We had lunch with Grammy at the "facility" (they don't like the term "nursing home"). It was less than what we'd pay in a restaurant, the meal was good, and it made me happy to see that she gets fed well. She was good that day. She repeated herself a lot, but she was in good spirits.
I've been putting in 11 hour days most days recently, and half days on Saturday. Today was the lone exception, and I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I did absolutely nothing. In my "spare" time, we've been getting our Christmas shopping done. We're not doing much for Christmas this year. We've decided to pool our money and purchase an extended warranty for the Kia. I did my homework when we bought it, but I didn't realize how much electronic stuff was in there, which gets costly. It will extend my warranty until after my loan is paid, which is what I want.
I set foot in Grammy's house for what will most likely be the last time. It's been sold. They got a nice amount for it, and her care will be covered for a long time. It seemed so strange. The house was empty. The furniture all gone. The only thing left in the kitchen was the stove and the cabinets. I've never ever seen it empty. Nothing on the walls. The heat was off and it was cold. There were a few things left for a charity store to pick-up, and a box of things for my uncle that we'll have to store until he can return from Oklahoma to retrieve them. Yet Grammy thinks she'll still be going home soon. No, we're not going to tell her........
But the laptop is back now, and hopefully so will I.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
"I Feel The Moments Hurry On.....
What was today has died away and now it is forever gone" - Early Morning Blues And Greens (The Monkees)
Birthdays don't usually depress me. Another year gone? Meh......
As I have done in the past (more so when I was younger), I shared my birthday with Grammy. Her birthday was on Monday. She was 87. My cousins were up with the two great-grand kids that live within a reasonable distance (Northern Virginia). Sadly, the others live in Oklahoma - all 9 of them (I think that was the last count - maybe 8). I don't get to see the girls as often as I'd like to (they are still little, and not to the point where they remember me when I see them), and I made sure they both got a nice goodie bag from us. Fun to spoil them, then send them home with mom and dad (insert evil smiley).
I wasn't thrilled about trying to spend the day at a local restaurant that is incredibly popular, but a tad overpriced and overrated in my book. However, Grammy loves to eat there, so it's the destination when we're taking her out. On the way up, I even told Nelson I wasn't sure that this was the best way to spend my birthday, in theory, but I was happy to see the girls, and I wasn't sure whether this would be the last birthday we had with Grammy. Nelson said he doubted it (Grammy is in great physical health - it's her mind that is going) but I corrected myself to say that it would likely be the last birthday we had that she would know a little what was going on. He agreed. She's just fading so fast that it's frightening.
When we got to the restaurant, my Aunt called me over, and told me that she found a ceramic canister that I gave Grammy for Christmas about 3 years ago. It still had the candy inside it. She just put it in the closet, and forgot about it. It made us realize that this went back longer and deeper than any of us even thought. Every weekend has been spent by members of my family up at her house, painting and making repairs, and cleaning/cataloging things. We've yet to find the pocket watch that Nelson gave Pappy for his 80th birthday. I don't want to ask Grammy - I doubt she'd even know, plus she thinks that she'll be going back to her house soon. We're not sue whether he might have been buried with it (Grammy handled all those arrangements). He so loved that watch. I gave everyone pictures of a watch that looked like it, and asked them to save it should they find it.
I picked up her washer, dryer, microwave, and refrigerator. I needed appliances, and my Uncle took $50 for all of it, which goes in Grammy's fund to pay for her assisted living. Most of them are almost new. Still, I felt guilty. The realtor said to take them - whoever buys the house will supply their own appliances. Last thing I did before leaving was remove the Cuckoo Clock I bought her and Pappy for their 50th anniversary, back in 1989. I bought it at Willy Neef's in Triburg, Germany and had it shipped back. Broke my heart to take it, but I didn't want anything to happen to it.
Of course, I get it home, hang it, and realize the pendulum is missing. It's not anywhere to be found, and I didn't check to see if it was even on there when we took it. It could have been missing already - I only checked for the pine cones. I ordered a replacement, and can't wait until I can fire it up -I hope it works.
Grammy didn't look real good today. She looked confused. Bit by bit, my mom and dad sneak things in to her apartment from her house. I don't know if that's doing it, or if the Alzheimer's is just progressing at a more rapid rate. I keep telling myself that she's better off where she is. After all, when I cleaned out her refrigerator (I tried to throw out as little as possible, and I kept the things that were still usable - she taught me well), I found 3 year old meat in her freezer. It's frightening to me that she might have tried to eat that. Did she do that and was that what made her sick that day that she fell and ended up in the hospital? The last day she would see her house, back in April? We'll never know. Where she is now, she's looked after, and she likes the people there, but she is waiting to go home. She's convinced that she hurt herself working (she even mentions the last job she had as being where she got hurt) and that she's waiting to be released to go back to work. It just kills me to hear her talk like that.
I whine about it. I say that it's just not fair. But I guess life isn't fair. I could stomach her passing by just going to sleep and not waking up. I hate myself for half wishing that Jesus would call her home to my Pappy and the still born son she had before she loses her mind completely. I'm selfish like that. I don't want to watch her deteriorate beyond recognition. That's more than I could handle. She deserves so much better than that. She tirelessly gave us all she had, and asked nothing in return. It just isn't right, and I struggle with my faith in that arena. I know that God wouldn't have her suffer needlessly, but I'm just not seeing his plan in all of this. I just see my Grammy fading away, and an empty shell taking her place.
I gave her gift to her. I bought her a wireless light switch. She can hook her lamp up to it, and take the switch to her bed, or anywhere in her apartment if she needs it. She just looked at the bag it was in, and didn't seem to know what to do with it. I could see her struggling, so I just said "You can open it later if you like". She said she'd do that, and then seemed ok. I didn't want to take her dignity by opening it for her. She apologized over and over for not having a card for me. I told her not to worry.
All in all, it was a good day. I got a great CD set. My cousins embarrassed me by having the restaurant bring me and Grammy each a small cake and singing. I just had a checkup, and I am in good health - better than I've been in years. My weight loss has started back up again. I just wish I had Grammy back. It's what I wished for when I blew out my candle, but I know it won't happen. I just figured it couldn't hurt.
Birthdays don't usually depress me. Another year gone? Meh......
As I have done in the past (more so when I was younger), I shared my birthday with Grammy. Her birthday was on Monday. She was 87. My cousins were up with the two great-grand kids that live within a reasonable distance (Northern Virginia). Sadly, the others live in Oklahoma - all 9 of them (I think that was the last count - maybe 8). I don't get to see the girls as often as I'd like to (they are still little, and not to the point where they remember me when I see them), and I made sure they both got a nice goodie bag from us. Fun to spoil them, then send them home with mom and dad (insert evil smiley).
I wasn't thrilled about trying to spend the day at a local restaurant that is incredibly popular, but a tad overpriced and overrated in my book. However, Grammy loves to eat there, so it's the destination when we're taking her out. On the way up, I even told Nelson I wasn't sure that this was the best way to spend my birthday, in theory, but I was happy to see the girls, and I wasn't sure whether this would be the last birthday we had with Grammy. Nelson said he doubted it (Grammy is in great physical health - it's her mind that is going) but I corrected myself to say that it would likely be the last birthday we had that she would know a little what was going on. He agreed. She's just fading so fast that it's frightening.
When we got to the restaurant, my Aunt called me over, and told me that she found a ceramic canister that I gave Grammy for Christmas about 3 years ago. It still had the candy inside it. She just put it in the closet, and forgot about it. It made us realize that this went back longer and deeper than any of us even thought. Every weekend has been spent by members of my family up at her house, painting and making repairs, and cleaning/cataloging things. We've yet to find the pocket watch that Nelson gave Pappy for his 80th birthday. I don't want to ask Grammy - I doubt she'd even know, plus she thinks that she'll be going back to her house soon. We're not sue whether he might have been buried with it (Grammy handled all those arrangements). He so loved that watch. I gave everyone pictures of a watch that looked like it, and asked them to save it should they find it.
I picked up her washer, dryer, microwave, and refrigerator. I needed appliances, and my Uncle took $50 for all of it, which goes in Grammy's fund to pay for her assisted living. Most of them are almost new. Still, I felt guilty. The realtor said to take them - whoever buys the house will supply their own appliances. Last thing I did before leaving was remove the Cuckoo Clock I bought her and Pappy for their 50th anniversary, back in 1989. I bought it at Willy Neef's in Triburg, Germany and had it shipped back. Broke my heart to take it, but I didn't want anything to happen to it.
Of course, I get it home, hang it, and realize the pendulum is missing. It's not anywhere to be found, and I didn't check to see if it was even on there when we took it. It could have been missing already - I only checked for the pine cones. I ordered a replacement, and can't wait until I can fire it up -I hope it works.
Grammy didn't look real good today. She looked confused. Bit by bit, my mom and dad sneak things in to her apartment from her house. I don't know if that's doing it, or if the Alzheimer's is just progressing at a more rapid rate. I keep telling myself that she's better off where she is. After all, when I cleaned out her refrigerator (I tried to throw out as little as possible, and I kept the things that were still usable - she taught me well), I found 3 year old meat in her freezer. It's frightening to me that she might have tried to eat that. Did she do that and was that what made her sick that day that she fell and ended up in the hospital? The last day she would see her house, back in April? We'll never know. Where she is now, she's looked after, and she likes the people there, but she is waiting to go home. She's convinced that she hurt herself working (she even mentions the last job she had as being where she got hurt) and that she's waiting to be released to go back to work. It just kills me to hear her talk like that.
I whine about it. I say that it's just not fair. But I guess life isn't fair. I could stomach her passing by just going to sleep and not waking up. I hate myself for half wishing that Jesus would call her home to my Pappy and the still born son she had before she loses her mind completely. I'm selfish like that. I don't want to watch her deteriorate beyond recognition. That's more than I could handle. She deserves so much better than that. She tirelessly gave us all she had, and asked nothing in return. It just isn't right, and I struggle with my faith in that arena. I know that God wouldn't have her suffer needlessly, but I'm just not seeing his plan in all of this. I just see my Grammy fading away, and an empty shell taking her place.
I gave her gift to her. I bought her a wireless light switch. She can hook her lamp up to it, and take the switch to her bed, or anywhere in her apartment if she needs it. She just looked at the bag it was in, and didn't seem to know what to do with it. I could see her struggling, so I just said "You can open it later if you like". She said she'd do that, and then seemed ok. I didn't want to take her dignity by opening it for her. She apologized over and over for not having a card for me. I told her not to worry.
All in all, it was a good day. I got a great CD set. My cousins embarrassed me by having the restaurant bring me and Grammy each a small cake and singing. I just had a checkup, and I am in good health - better than I've been in years. My weight loss has started back up again. I just wish I had Grammy back. It's what I wished for when I blew out my candle, but I know it won't happen. I just figured it couldn't hurt.
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