"I Feel The Moments Hurry On.....

What was today has died away and now it is forever gone" - Early Morning Blues And Greens (The Monkees)

Birthdays don't usually depress me. Another year gone? Meh......

As I have done in the past (more so when I was younger), I shared my birthday with Grammy. Her birthday was on Monday. She was 87. My cousins were up with the two great-grand kids that live within a reasonable distance (Northern Virginia). Sadly, the others live in Oklahoma - all 9 of them (I think that was the last count - maybe 8). I don't get to see the girls as often as I'd like to (they are still little, and not to the point where they remember me when I see them), and I made sure they both got a nice goodie bag from us. Fun to spoil them, then send them home with mom and dad (insert evil smiley).

I wasn't thrilled about trying to spend the day at a local restaurant that is incredibly popular, but a tad overpriced and overrated in my book. However, Grammy loves to eat there, so it's the destination when we're taking her out. On the way up, I even told Nelson I wasn't sure that this was the best way to spend my birthday, in theory, but I was happy to see the girls, and I wasn't sure whether this would be the last birthday we had with Grammy. Nelson said he doubted it (Grammy is in great physical health - it's her mind that is going) but I corrected myself to say that it would likely be the last birthday we had that she would know a little what was going on. He agreed. She's just fading so fast that it's frightening.

When we got to the restaurant, my Aunt called me over, and told me that she found a ceramic canister that I gave Grammy for Christmas about 3 years ago. It still had the candy inside it. She just put it in the closet, and forgot about it. It made us realize that this went back longer and deeper than any of us even thought. Every weekend has been spent by members of my family up at her house, painting and making repairs, and cleaning/cataloging things. We've yet to find the pocket watch that Nelson gave Pappy for his 80th birthday. I don't want to ask Grammy - I doubt she'd even know, plus she thinks that she'll be going back to her house soon. We're not sue whether he might have been buried with it (Grammy handled all those arrangements). He so loved that watch. I gave everyone pictures of a watch that looked like it, and asked them to save it should they find it.

I picked up her washer, dryer, microwave, and refrigerator. I needed appliances, and my Uncle took $50 for all of it, which goes in Grammy's fund to pay for her assisted living. Most of them are almost new. Still, I felt guilty. The realtor said to take them - whoever buys the house will supply their own appliances. Last thing I did before leaving was remove the Cuckoo Clock I bought her and Pappy for their 50th anniversary, back in 1989. I bought it at Willy Neef's in Triburg, Germany and had it shipped back. Broke my heart to take it, but I didn't want anything to happen to it.

Of course, I get it home, hang it, and realize the pendulum is missing. It's not anywhere to be found, and I didn't check to see if it was even on there when we took it. It could have been missing already - I only checked for the pine cones. I ordered a replacement, and can't wait until I can fire it up -I hope it works.

Grammy didn't look real good today. She looked confused. Bit by bit, my mom and dad sneak things in to her apartment from her house. I don't know if that's doing it, or if the Alzheimer's is just progressing at a more rapid rate. I keep telling myself that she's better off where she is. After all, when I cleaned out her refrigerator (I tried to throw out as little as possible, and I kept the things that were still usable - she taught me well), I found 3 year old meat in her freezer. It's frightening to me that she might have tried to eat that. Did she do that and was that what made her sick that day that she fell and ended up in the hospital? The last day she would see her house, back in April? We'll never know. Where she is now, she's looked after, and she likes the people there, but she is waiting to go home. She's convinced that she hurt herself working (she even mentions the last job she had as being where she got hurt) and that she's waiting to be released to go back to work. It just kills me to hear her talk like that.

I whine about it. I say that it's just not fair. But I guess life isn't fair. I could stomach her passing by just going to sleep and not waking up. I hate myself for half wishing that Jesus would call her home to my Pappy and the still born son she had before she loses her mind completely. I'm selfish like that. I don't want to watch her deteriorate beyond recognition. That's more than I could handle. She deserves so much better than that. She tirelessly gave us all she had, and asked nothing in return. It just isn't right, and I struggle with my faith in that arena. I know that God wouldn't have her suffer needlessly, but I'm just not seeing his plan in all of this. I just see my Grammy fading away, and an empty shell taking her place.

I gave her gift to her. I bought her a wireless light switch. She can hook her lamp up to it, and take the switch to her bed, or anywhere in her apartment if she needs it. She just looked at the bag it was in, and didn't seem to know what to do with it. I could see her struggling, so I just said "You can open it later if you like". She said she'd do that, and then seemed ok. I didn't want to take her dignity by opening it for her. She apologized over and over for not having a card for me. I told her not to worry.

All in all, it was a good day. I got a great CD set. My cousins embarrassed me by having the restaurant bring me and Grammy each a small cake and singing. I just had a checkup, and I am in good health - better than I've been in years. My weight loss has started back up again. I just wish I had Grammy back. It's what I wished for when I blew out my candle, but I know it won't happen. I just figured it couldn't hurt.