What Else Should I Be?

Once again, the subject of a few previous "Deep Thoughts-esque" posts has managed to work their way back in my life. Why do I allow this person to torment me, months after I uttered my last words to them via e-mail (goodbye)? Darned if I know. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Or maybe someone is trying to tell me something.

Forgiveness has always been a toughie for me in certain situations. While I can generally shrug off many situations - especially ones that are out of someone else's control - there are other times where I just can't say "meh - it's ok", no matter how much I'd like to (and yes, I'd like to be able to do that now).

It's something that we've been trying to work on in counseling. I don't just have the aforementioned person to try and move out of my plane of annoyance, but several others as well. I'm moving ever so slowly there for some of the people, but not all (aforementioned person included).

Let me backpedal a tad: Before Nelson had his current job, he was trapped in a horrifyng job. No benefits, low pay, and a lot of unfulfilled promises. He muddled through for 3 years, and then left, only to be laid off and have to go back to work for them again (the job market here isn't great). Another 3 years, and he was fried. I don't know how he lasted as long as he did - I'd have gone to the booby hatch long before. The inevitable happened, and it all came to a head one day. He said something that was taken the wrong way by his ultra-wannabe Christian bosses, and it went downhill from there. There were witnesses - the situation got blown way out of proportion, because believe me - I don't dig him out of messes. If he screws up, he needs to accept responsibility and fix it, but there were major extenuating circumstances in this case that it would take me way too long to get in to here.

These are the same ultra-wannabe Christian people who shunned medical science and said that my husband would be better if he just gave himself to Jesus. Don't get me started....... Well, we asked our minister to accompany Nelson down there to try and appeal to her good Christian side. She said it would be ok. We decided he should return while he looked for another job, and then take his leave (but we didn't tell her this). One week later, she claimed she never said that, and that she had terminated him. When I questioned our minister (because I wasn't there), he said that she was out and out lying, and that God knew the truth, and she'd answer in the end.

It all worked out. He was working again within two weeks, at a much better job where he is treated better, and receives good pay and benefits. After he left, she terminated another person with a medical problem, and he decided to sue - and won. So she got hers. But I continued to just loathe her. I can't stand a liar. I can't stand wanna-be Christians. I can't stand people who promise the moon but deliver squat. I refused to speak to her if I saw her, and made my share of unfriendly comments.

Anywho, we went out to eat tonight at a local steakhouse, and guess who waddled in the door? I couldn't believe it. We both groaned. She saw me, because we made eye contact, and she looked away. After awhile, Nelson said "Are they at the salad bar?". I said they weren't, and he could make a break for it. He said "No, I want to know where they are", and he walked off. He came back with a big grin on his face.

He said "I decided that I can be the bigger person and show them some of that forgiveness that Pastor Jim is always talking about". He's much better off now. He should actually be thanking them. The mood lifted a bit, and he was in better spirits.

So I'm back to the person at the top of the post. I'd love to be able to just say "Thanks to you, I've made some good friends, even if everything else sucked." But I can't. I just can't. I don't want someone to come crawling to me and say "I'm SO SORRY for every wrong I committed against you, and I beg your ultimate forgiveness!". Nelson wouldn't have gotten that from his bosses even if he would have wanted it.

A few weeks back, the aforementioned person contacted one of us that he "wronged", and said he was sorry. That person, in return, forgave him, but did vent about a few things that he felt the offender needed to work on, including apologizing to me and another person. The other person got an apology - I did not. I relayed this information, and was told that no one was surprised. Then, to top it off, the other person involved (who did get an apology) posted some current pictures for people to see, and one included the offending person. As stupid as it may sound, I was not prepared to "see" them, and in combination with some other things going on, I spent an hour in a weird emotional limbo bouncing between anger and sadness. A big thank-you to a friend who allowed me to vent, and put it somewhat to rest.

I just couldn't understand how that person could go and spend free time hanging out with someone who treated us so badly. Who stomped on us and ignored our queries as to what was going on. Who denied any involvement in the stuff that was going on. I guess the answer is that in some respects, they are better than I am. I'm too analytical. All I can "see" is that things would be ok for a time, then they'd go right back to where they were, and we'd all be in the same boat - well, I wouldn't because apparently I'm not worthy of any attempt to rectify the situation. I will run the possible scenarios over again and again in a zillion different configurations in my head, and none turn out well. I want to scream "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS?!?!" or "HOW QUICKLY YOU FORGET! JUST 6 MONTHS AGO THIS PERSON WAS STOMPING ALL OVER YOU!", but I don't. Just because I can't be the bigger person and get over it doesn't mean that others need to join my occasional self-imposed doldrums. The fact that I can't truly get over it is my problem, and mine alone.

So on the way home, with my husband in a good mood in the passenger seat because he managed to find that place where he can say "screw it", this came on the radio, and while I really never cared for this group, it was appropriate, and grabbed me:

What else should I be?
All apologies.
What else could I say?
......(verse deleted)
What else could I write?
I don't have the right.
What else should I be?
All apologies.

I wish I was like you;
Easily amused.
Find my nest of salt;
Everything is my fault.
I'll take all the blame.

All in all is all we are.

Again, maybe somebody is trying to tell me something. Would an apology really make any difference? Probably not. Do I truly need to hear it to put this one to bed? Probably not. Am I over it? Probably not. Am I getting there? Probably.

All in all is all we are, indeed.